I’ll Love You Til Forever
It’s 4 something in the morning in mid October and Leo manages to roll over with a giggle and a soft “Hi.” whispered into the dim light of the bedroom. After an hour of tossing and turning, it seems that this teething toddler has decided that it is time to play.
His feet patter across the wood floors toward “his room” as my eyes struggle to orient open. I find the energy to roll myself off of our bed to follow his lead, as I reassure our dog that it IS NOT, in fact, time for our morning routines.
Leo, proudly sitting on the edge of his toddler floor bed, grins at me as he bounces on his bottom. This reminds him that there are other elements to bring to this fun, including the nearby basket of “stuffies”. He’s grown particularly fond of a charcoal gray bunny that was given to us around Christmas time, as we were awaiting the arrival of Malcolm.
As he gives a slobbery kiss to the bunny’s nose, this takes me back to receiving this sweet gift from Uncles D & D in 2021. I remember hoping that our child would love to cuddle this sweet thing when they reached the age of even caring about anything outside of sleep and breastmilk.
I reply, “Aw, that’s so nice to give the bunny a kiss” as my memory takes me back to the fact that this was gifted to a baby that we only have ashes of. That we only have handprints and foot prints of… At least we have that.
My heart sinks and yet, this reminder has become so normal that I am able to carry on into the admiration of Leo’s toddler play as he brings the bunny toward my face to kiss.
He continues his cycle around the floor bed and notes the stuffed fox with the “Build-A-Bear” logo stitched on one paw. Leo gives me a grunt as he hands the fox to me, urging me to press the button hidden within the fluff of the abdomen. As I click the button for (what seems like) the thousandth time, we are greeted with the rough rhythm of a recording of fetal heart tones. Leo grins and bounces as he looks at me and takes in the sounds, grunting for me to do it once more.
This particular fox holds the heart tones of Malcolm, our first little love.
“You’re my little sweetheart baby mine
You’re my little sweetheart, baby mine
You’re the sugar lump in my tea
You’re my homemade recipe
You’re my little sweetheart, baby mine”
This commercial stuffie holds one of the most precious sounds in our lives. That plastic button holds the power of being one of the few things that is evidence that Malcolm was once alive. That battery holds the finite life of energy keeping us connected to our baby that once was, waiting for the day that we need to replace it.
And to think that this is one of Leo’s favorite sounds. Hm.
“I’ll love you til forever, baby mine
I’ll love you til forever, baby mine
5 - 4 - 3 - 2 -1
Forever’s just begun
I’ll love you til forever, baby mine”
Among the other offerings in his room (the carefully curated low bookshelves above a cozy reading area or the thoughtfully placed Montessori felt balls waiting to be explored, for example) which grab his attention plenty, the fox is a consistent daily request when we enter.
My mind always finds itself wanting to drift away to a place of wonder and curiosity, about Leo’s relationship with Malcolm’s fetal heart tones. The joy that he experiences gives me the feeling that he is reassured or familiar with this particular rhythm. I begin to imagine our spirit baby looming near my body during pregnancy and savoring those sounds as they await the body coming earthside. I picture this same spirit baby waiting around after Malcolm’s heart stopped, knowing that this body wasn’t the one it would be living in. And I imagine the anticipation of our spirit baby as they were counting down the moments until they could finally live in a body, Leo’s body, after the birth experience.
Ya know, or maybe it means nothing at all and Leo just enjoys the sound of it.
Either way, we are now approaching 3 years since our loss of Malcolm. Life is busy and full with our dear Leo, and yet the grief continues to unfold as we are reminded daily of this baby that once was, being remembered through the preservation of a mid-pregnancy ultrasound fetal heart tones recording.
Amidst this fragile time of year for many, with October being Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month, I find my heart extending, opening, and breaking for all of the parents who take their love and get handed grief. Those who share their gratitude and hold alongside it, their sorrow.
It is with this complexity of grief and healing, that I invite you to find space in your week (or in the days remaining in the month) to sit with, to offer support to, and to simply acknowledge the journey of many parents who only know their children for brief periods as they navigate the challenges of living without them for timelines that seemingly have no end.
And here I sit, at 9:59pm writing as I listen to Fitz snoring and our dog dreaming, wishing that our morning starts a little later giving me a little more alertness so that I can soak in the sweet sounds of that heartbeat once more with my baby who made it earthside, reminding me that his sweet little heart is still thumping away in that growing body of his.
Goodnight little darlin’, baby mine
Goodnight little darlin’, baby mine
Tonight I hope you dream
Of seein’ things I’ve never seen
So, goodnight little darlin’, baby mine
